


It's Obvious, Innit?

by Cloudlb



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Comic book logic, Dog Test, Eggsy is smart, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-03
Updated: 2016-02-03
Packaged: 2018-05-18 01:48:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5893453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cloudlb/pseuds/Cloudlb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's all smoke and mirrors. Obviously.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Obvious, Innit?

As soon as he clapped eyes on those puppies, Eggsy knew _exactly_ what they were there for. It was obviously some kind of fucked up test. Probably they’d be asked to kill the dogs to prove they could follow orders or some such shit. I mean it was obvious, wasn’t it? There was just no other practical reason for the candidates to have dogs. They certainly weren’t meant to give them comfort or companionship.

Eggsy wasn’t stupid, and he was starting to get very suspicious about Kingsman’s training methods. They were all smoke and mirrors and mind games. Eggsy remembered the two-way mirror he had smashed through on the first night. Merlin had stood there watching as the candidates flailed about in the rising water. He bet Amelia wasn’t even dead. And this “pick a puppy” thing was clearly in the same vein. So was this “teamwork” bollocks – the whole job interview was one long competition, clearly.

So, Eggsy picked the smallest, ugliest, and least useful dog in the bunch – the pug. If it turned out that they did actually have to kill the dogs as part of their testing, well, maybe he wouldn’t get too attached to the thing. Glancing sidelong at the other candidates, he noticed the others going for the most obvious of the other dogs – the Alsatian, the retriever; even Roxy, with her fancy poodle. Even if it was a gun dog, he could still tease her about it.

Just to fuck with Roxy, he said, “It’s a bull dog, innit?” and “It’ll get bigger, won’t it?” He would cherish the look on her face for the rest of his life--however long that would be if he actually made it through this fucked up training to become a spy-of-sorts. He looked down at the puppy. His wagging tail shook his entire little body.

Damn, he was pretty cute, wasn’t he?

***

JB (Jack Bauer, because he was in spy school, after all, but he didn’t want to be _too_ obvious) turned out to be a fine little companion; playful and eager to please. He took to the training well, too. Maybe he wasn’t as polished in his tricks as Roxy’s dog or some of the others, but he was a warm little bundle at the foot of his bed at night, which counted for a lot in the trainees’ cold, hostile bunker.

He kept telling himself it was going to be a trick. Surely they couldn’t really make them kill these poor innocent creatures. He grew more certain after the parachute test. All the tests were cheats – he hoped. They were probably going to make him shoot the dog with blanks or something. But blanks could be dangerous, too, given the right circumstances.

***

When only he and Roxy were left, Eggsy was called into Arthur’s office, JB trailing along as usual. Eggsy instantly knew something was off. Even without the smug look on Arthur’s face, there was a tarp on the floor. A tarp, for fuck’s sake! Bit obvious, weren’t it? But—the tarp was in the wrong place; it was much too close.

This wasn’t the way it was supposed to go! Even with blanks there was a minimum safe distance, and Eggsy knew the weight of a live bullet in a pistol. The gun Arthur handed Eggsy was loaded with a live bullet that would leave little left of the small dog.

He looked at Arthur’s self-satisfied face; looked at JB, who was looking up at him trustingly from two feet away. Sacrifice JB for this wanker? No way—he couldn’t fucking do it, not even for the chance to become a Kingsman agent. Harry was going to be so disappointed.

Suddenly he was furious at the condescending bastard--how dare the son of a bitch ruin his chances by rigging the test like this? He pointed the gun at Arthur, heartily wishing he could kill that fucker. He’d never killed a man – yet – but he could start with Arthur easily.

Well, like his mum always said, if wishes were horses, we’d all be riders. Fuck it. His choice was obvious. He lowered the gun.

**Author's Note:**

> That damn dog test. I've been wanting to do a "dog test" fic for a while, because as soon as I saw those dogs in the movie, I knew exactly what they were for. Eggsy is at least as smart as me, so why wouldn't he know, too? 
> 
> There's an alternate/ambiguous ending, which I almost went with -- then decided I couldn't do that to you, poor reader! 
> 
> ***  
> Alternate Ending:
> 
> Fuck it. His choice was obvious. He pulled the trigger.


End file.
